It’s so hard to break the cycle and realize you’ve been chasing after unavailable people, emotionally and whatnot, over and over again. And that just ended up fueling avoidance further, too.
The origin doesn’t matter much too: whether you came to develop AvPD from childhood trauma, neglect, bullying, or something else; it’s likely that you either withdrew from trying to connect with people altogether, or you started chasing after people who were unavailable for you.
As you work towards building your self-esteem and strengthening your sense of self, you might start second-guessing yourself - again - are you too inflexible? Are your standards too high? Are you going too much into the other side (from ”I’m terrible and no one would want me” to “I’m too good for everyone and they all suck”)? Of course it is hard to find a balance, black and white thinking is a reality for you, and something you’ve been working on for years to improve.
That sense of overwhelm you feel when trying to get close to someone, or trying to let others close, comes from you not listening to your needs. Everything “worked” before when you were unaware, but now it doesn’t.
Now you really do know better.
You already know you’re not at fault here, you’ve been doing the best you can. You’ve been as transparent as one can be regarding your emotions, your mental health, your needs and so much more, because you know communication is one of the keys for any kind of relationship to be successful.
You hold onto unavailable people out of fear, don’t you? You don’t want to be “alone”, but how ironic it is that you keep loneliness at bay in spite of… all your other needs. Then, yes. you’re not “alone” but it feels dreadful: you fear you’re going to be abandoned or rejected (because they’re unavailable), they don’t want or can’t date you (because they’re unavailable), they keep to themselves and/or don’t talk much and/or don’t share and/or don’t confide in you about their emotions/needs/fears/etc (because they’re unavailable), and so, so much more.
You keep ignoring and avoiding the fact that it feels one-sided, either from the start or eventually becomes that way.
You obsess over, you resent, burn out, and pull away… just to start it all over again. That hurts you, and it hurts them. It feels like a sadistic game, in which you give and take, you push and pull, and that deteriorates the connection. You feel hopeless to stop it because you like and want them.
But they don’t want you.
They don’t want you in a way that reassures you, because they’re unavailable, and you didn’t want to see. It’s better to be blissfully ignorant and overlook the signs given to you, and blame your brain for overreacting because of trauma or something else, or maybe you were being too inflexible and asking for too much after all.
This goes for friendships and partners alike, connections held together by flimsy threads, that will break sooner or later, and you’re avoiding it, because you don’t want to see the truth that’s right in front of you, it hurts.
Except… you deserve better. Right now. This doesn’t have to wait until you’re asymptomatic - if anything, this will help you improve.
You’ve grown so much, you came so far in your journey to heal. You’re still healing.
You deserve to feel wanted and cherished, treasured and prioritized. You deserve proper communication, too.
You deserve people who want you and will make the time to be with you, who will put on the effort, and energy into getting things going - much like you try doing yourself - you deserve people who are available to you.
This is not too much to ask.
That’s the bare minimum.